It’s gotten worse. My mom hasn’t hit “bottom” but it’s worse.
This month was the annual family reunion on my maternal grandfather’s side. They’re a bit odd, but it’s all the family my mom has left, and they are the cousins she grew up with. Nearly all of them live in other places now, so this reunion is the only time she sees them. This event was so important to my grandparents that they footed the entire bill for the whole thing for many years.
She offered to drive my grandmother to the Saturday evening event out in the country. Another family member also needed a ride and my grandmother wanted to ask my mom if she can join them.
But mom wouldn’t answer her phone. She has one of those stupid ring-back tones on it and it does several loops of “9 to 5” and then goes to voicemail. I guess I should take comfort in that a) the phone is on and b) she’s not hitting the Ignore Call button. Anyway, it’s either that or that her phone was really far from her for hours at a time (not likely).
She probably didn’t want to go. She didn’t want her cousins to ask about The Abuser. They might see how bad she looks or read more into the situation than she wants them to know. She’s also pissed that he was never invited. Other people bring their SOs, so if she wants him to go, it’s only up to her to invite him. Emil went when we were engaged.
In the past, I couldn’t text her because, “I’m not typing on that little screen, and I’m not paying for someone else to send me a text.” Because $0 a month so her daughter could send her short messages would break the piggy bank. Right. (Yes, I offered to pay for it if it’s not included.) She had to go to a pretty significant effort to have text messages turned off. Oh, and if you try to text, you don’t get an error. She just never gets it. It’s like leaving a message for your junior high boyfriend.
So, I texted her anyway, on the off chance that a setting changed and she’d get it. I kept trying to call. I got permission from my grandmother to tell her that I’m calling over & over because my grandmother needed to talk to her and can’t reach her. The text worked. She both got it and replied and called my grandmother! It’s 2015 and small miracles do happen. She said her phone was at her side at all times. Well, calls aren’t going through.
She did call, again, with him there prompting her every word, to re-live her humiliation again. I told her (for the umpteeenth time) that I would not entertain this conversation. She used the word “sex” this time. I told her that yes, “that’s what ‘cheating’ means and I knew that” and that the conversation was over. After not having something else to talk about, we hung up.
I immediately called The Abuser’s number. He, of course, didn’t answer. I let him a voicemail that started with “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I told him that he either forgives her or he doesn’t and that making her relive humiliation over and over again was emotional abuse. I also told him that if it happens even just one more time that I will call the police. And I will.
They need to break up; that much is abundantly clear. Neither of them is brave enough to do that.
She skipped both reunion events, as it turned out (….bailing on my grandmother for the ride).
Before the “sex” phone call, she was quite confused that Emil & I weren’t going to the reunion. We haven’t been in a decade or more…since my grandparents quit hosting it. It’s not a REunion for us since I’ve only ever known any of them one day a year. We never go. My mom is fully aware of the multitude of reasons I don’t go. She kept asking when we’d get there. I kept telling her we weren’t going. “Oh, I thought you were.” In this way, conversations with her are exhausting. This messed up cognition is why she needs to see a neurologist, but there aren’t any good ones in Paris. There aren’t even any who do what she needs.
After the weekend of the reunion, I called her (mostly to ask her why she didn’t go). She asked if we made it home safely. “Um. We haven’t left the house today.” “Well, I just wanted to be sure you got home safe.” “Home from where?” Yep, she still thought we went to the thing. So she skipped what she thought was a chance to see her only child over a fight with her boyfriend, The Abuser.
I really wish she could find the strength to fire him from their relationship and the comfort to live alone.
When will this finally end?
I’m going to try to call her and my grandmother today to tell them I’ll be unavailable for the week. If there is an update to things,