Backstory

[Stories that start like this are getting old.] Back in college, I bought some cute socks. My less-that-$10 check was returned by my bank for “account closed”. After many frustrating dealings with TeleCheck and the “collections” people (who called multiple times of day at all hours, were rude/condescending even though I was returning their calls, etc.) I loudly demanded–in a busy lobby, no less–that the bank fix the problem. They did; moments later, I closed the account. I also vowed to never-again shop at a store that “proudly uses” TeleCheck. If I know they use it, I don’t spend money there. I have plenty of other options. [TeleCheck® MISTAKE #1: Believing it is always the customer and it could "never" be the bank's error. TeleCheck® MISTAKE #2 Not recognizing that if a customer returns calls, she is trying to fix the problem; A hateful tone is not appropriate and will not be tolerated. TeleCheck® MISTAKE #3: Going "Special Forces" on me for a less-than-$10 transaction. Hedge your bets wisely, people.]

Aside

Why do checks even exist, still? Besides thieves, whom are they serving by providing the option to pay by check? I know some people pay bills via check and never changed that habit. My grandparents have never used the Internet and don’t own a computer, but they could Check By Phone to pay bills. We all cringe and moan collectively when we’re in line behind a check writer. Finally, most stores prefer debit/credit cards or cash, and many have eliminated checks altogether.

All These Years Later, TeleCheck Still Sucks

With our new apartment, we wanted the same auto-draft. They offer it, but we were told we’d have to pay in “certified funds” instead. What? I call the “credit” company that the apartment people use, Lexis Nexis. They say I have a history of writing bad checks…as reported by none other than TeleCheck.

I fired off an angry Tweet at BBVA Compass because they used to bounce my good checks all the time. I get an immediate response from Compass and find out that they did no such thing in my closed-for-over-a-year account. The woman who helped me was quite nice and patient and understanding. I thanked her and updated my Twitter feed with the resolution. I wish she’d been available when I needed help before! [TeleCheck® COST ME: a quick Tweet/response, a 30-minute email to explain the problem, and a 30-minute phone call to further clarify and ensure BBVA Compass was not the cause. ]

I contact TeleCheck who tells me that Walmart in McAlester, Oklahoma (pretty sure I’ve never been there) put me down for a hot check. I call and talk to them. $280+ dollars worth was stolen via a bad check. The “perp” used my TX drivers license number as ID for the check. Walmart tells me I can only dispute this with TeleCheck. [TeleCheck® MISTAKE #4: Telling me to contact the Walmart store.]

TELECHECK’S BIG OVERARCHING MISTAKE: NOT VERIFYING THE NAME ON THE CHECK AGAINST THE NAME ASSOCIATED WITH THAT TEXAS DRIVERS’ LICENSE NUMBER. THIS NEVER SHOULD HAVE GONE THROUGH AT ALL!

I check the website, but TeleCheck doesn’t have a form for my particular type of fraud. It wasn’t my checking account, and it wasn’t a typical forgery. I call TeleCheck again. I’m already weary of the scripted “calming phrases” and “robot” accent their customer service reps have. [TeleCheck® MISTAKE #5: I'm certain they are hiring only foreign nationals and/or outsourcing their customer service to another country. Through the whole process, I only talked to one guy who could pronounce English.] Anyway he tells me which form to use. [TeleCheck® COST ME: 1 hour of "research" time.]

I fill it out, drive to my credit union, stand in line, get it notarized, and drive to the post office to mail it to Houston. Next door to my post office, I notice offices for First Data. They own TeleCheck. Ironic, huh? [TeleCheck® MISTAKE #6: Why does this form have to be notarized? Emil just had a similar fraud problem over Xmas and his form didn't have to be notarized. Why do you impose another errand on me?] [TeleCheck® COST ME: 1 hour of time, 7 miles of driving, one envelope, and one stamp.]

I’m supposed to hear back within ten business days, but I never do, so, on the 12th business day, I call TeleCheck again. Little did I know that I’d spend my entire morning on this mess.

• No one with a robot accent understands the one most basic and simple fact: I did not write a check. I haven’t written checks in years. I don’t own checks. It’s physically impossible for me to write a check.
• Robot female Customer Service Rep (CSR) can not explain why I never heard from TeleCheck, but after a verifying every bit of data three times and asking for my first born, claims “it’s updated”. Updated to what? (Updated could just mean she logged my call!) “It’s been updated?” Yes, but what does that mean? “You can write a check.” arrrrrrgggggh After three laps around this conversation, I finally get her to tell me that it’s been “cleared”–or some similar language–from my record at TeleCheck.  Then, I ask her how long it will take to update the credit agencies. She doesn’t understand the question and keeps telling me I can write a check. So, I demand a supervisor. Three times. Apparently, they can’t transfer you until you ask three times.
• Supervisor Robot Eric #3641 assures me the update is instant and that Lexis Nexis can look at TeleCheck’s records. Now, I’ve worked in enough IT to know that can’t possibly be true for about a million security reasons. Turns out, LN can issue a request and get an almost-instant answer, but they can not access TeleCheck’s records or see their screens or any such nonsense.
• I call Lexis-Nexis and get the same report. The blip still shows. I tell him, “Y’all need to use someone else. TeleCheck doesn’t know what they are doing.” The LN rep scoffs at my comment. Whatever, Dude. I’m allowed to have an opinion. If one of my vendors treated any of my clients like this, I’d drop them like a hot potato!
• I call TeleCheck and get stuck in Call Processing Hell. Again, there is no real option for me. I Google for new numbers and try one. I’m told she can’t help me and that I have to call their “only” number. She gives me a number different than the one I called, and I get the same call processing menu. By this point, I’m convinced that they hide company information so customers can’t reach them, only publish “one” number so they can change it in an attempt to hide from the vast array of bad Internet reviews, and finally, (paranoia sets in) that their system flags my number as one that called previously to stick me in a bigger runaround on subsequent calls.
• When I get through, Male Robot CSR can not help me, either. He tells me the check was from wEEEnoose State Bank and asks if I have an account there. “What did you say? Where? No, it doesn’t matter, I’ve never heard of that bank and have never had an account there.” After some more conversation circling, it occurs to me I need to make sure someone didn’t open an account in my name and ask him to spell the bank. Ennis. Of course. Male Robot CSR insists that it’s “updated”. I explain, “clearly, it isn’t or LN would be able to see the update.” I’m told that Lexis Nexis will need to call TeleCheck to verify the new status. What? And, I’m given the 1-800-366-2425 number.
• I ask what call processing option they will need to select and I’m told there won’t be one. Sure. I call the number and get the same menu I’ve heard over and over. Lying bastard.
• I call Ennis State Bank (which does not rhyme with Penoose Fake Lake), where I’m quickly transferred, talked to a very sweet woman who confirms that they have no accounts with either my SSN or DL number. Whew! And, score +1 for small business.
• I call LN one more time and tell another rep that TeleCheck wants her to call them. Of course, she says they can’t…and even if they could call, they can’t rely on a verbal assurance; they can only rely on what they see on their screens. She pulls it up and sure enough, it’s not updated.
• I break down in tears. I begin to understand why people are sometimes violent toward businesses. I also tell her, “Y’all have got to find someone else to do business with. They are making you look bad.” I remember that First Data, TeleCheck’s parent company, is right around the corner. She’s kind and listens to me vent and rant while I get dressed for my search for a live human. I thank her for her patience and hang up.
• Once less angry (but still upset), I drive over there. Gates. Of course. I was about to give up when it opened. The locked door says the receptionist is out today. I am part way through dialing the number for access when someone comes to let me in. I ask to speak to “someone who works with TeleCheck and the way they report to Lexis Nexis.” No one in Austin. Of course. Two women were very nice, but zero help. I explain that the CSRs and Supervisors aren’t trained for my situation and are no help; I ask, “Do you have any contact information for anyone in that department?” Nope. Of course. According to her, all their Customer Service is in Denver. I ask about the Houston office and she says she doesn’t know what they do there. Whatever. I leave in tears. On the way out I notice the parking lot is full of a lot of very nice cars. I don’t know what the Austin office does, but it pays quite well….and that just makes me hate them even more. [TeleCheck® COST ME: 3.5 miles of driving.]
• I refuse to be beaten by this thievery, so I start over. I figure I’ll just keep calling and pretending it’s a whole new story until I get someone who isn’t a Robot and/or who can understand the problem enough to help. I get Mike #5672 who, at first, I think is going to be the same, but turns out to understand the problem fully, removes the flag from my file, says it’s fixed, and tells me to wait 72 hours. Um. What? Is it fixed or will it be fixed in 72 hours? Clearly, this part of his training was a bit vague, because he can’t clarify. So, I ask for a reference number and get one!
• One final call to LN….and after sitting on hold again for a very long time, I get the same CSR I had the second time. Before I could even get the beginning of my story out, she cut me off to ask, “What did you say your name was?”…and tells me she’s the same one from before. She types in the application number. Clickity-click-click…and then sweetness pours from her mouth to my ears, “Well all your persistence paid off, my Dear, it’s cleared from your record. Congratulations!” I verify that our new apartment complex won’t have to pay to have it re-run. She says nope.
• I fire off an email to our Leasing Agent who re-runs her end. All flags cleared! We can now pay our rent like normal people….and not like those stuck in the previous millennium.
• [TeleCheck® COST ME: 3 hours of time.]

The Invoice

Another Backstory

In ~1999 I was getting far too many phone calls from AT&T asking me to be their long distance carrier. We both had mobile numbers by then and didn’t need long distance, but I couldn’t get them to take my name/number off their list. The “really cool” part was that every caller was someone famous: LaToya, Janet, and Michael (Jackson, I assume) all called multiple times a night and past 9pm. I tried being nice. I resorted to being hateful so they wouldn’t want to call. Nothing worked, and I had had enough.

I called 1-800-555-1212 and asked for the a number for AT&T Accounts Payable. Bingo. I called for their fax number. I invoiced them about $100. I included a log of days/times they called. The invoice was an MS Office template, but I poured on the details (like “services are billed in 15-minute increments”). I never got paid, but I also never got another call from AT&T Long Distance.

Today

So, I’m making an invoice. TeleCheck® cost me:

• 6 hours of time @$55/hr = $330
• 10.5 miles of driving @$0.555/mile (2012 IRS rate) = $5.83
• 1 envelope @$1.49 plus tax = $1.61
• 1 stamp @$0.45
• Admin fee (for invoicing paperwork) = $55

Total: $392.89

I certainly don’t expect that TeleCheck will pay this invoice, but if they do, I’ll update this blog and online reviews that they made good on their mistake.

Contact TeleCheck

If you are forced to call their toll free number (1-888-288-0131 or 1-800-366-2425), ask for Mike #5672.

No matter who tells you what, ask for a Reference Number at the end of the call.

If you have to report fraud, the forms are on their site, you’ll have to get them notarized and either fax them or mail them to a PO Box in Houston.

And since I have this information but couldn’t find it anywhere online, if you have a TeleCheck complaint, address it to their office in Houston:

TeleCheck
Consumer Resolution
Office of the President
6th floor
PO Box 4514
Houston, TX 77210-4514

(yeah, sure, the company President cares about complaints;
and, if this is a Texas-owned company, why aren’t they nicer?;
and I didn’t know you could get multiple-story PO Boxes!)

Update:

In posting my complaint on PlanetFeedback.com, I found the “home office” for TeleCheck.

CEO
Telecheck
5660 New Northside Drive
Atlanta, Georgia
30328

The Move

Last year, our rent went up almost 10% and added some fees, too. We knew it would happen again (we heard rumors of $100-$150 increases in 1/1 units!), so we started shopping around. It had to be a Perfect Storm in a lot of ways. It’s not worth moving unless we can stay close to the same total expenses, get more space, get nicer fixtures and stuff, etc. Well, when we started looking around, there were a lot of ways we could make this happen. So, on 25-Feb, we’ll have a new place to live. We have until 22-Mar to get out of Riata, but we’re hiring movers so we can leave early in the hope that they can flip our unit quickly like they did for our neighbor. We have been quite happy at Riata. Unless they screw us over on move-out, I’ll give them a 5-star rating on Yelp. But, when we got this “shoebox” shaped apartment, it was an amazing deal we just couldn’t pass up while we still had a mortgage. We were so happy here that when the lease came around, twice, we just stayed. Now, we’re ready to face moving again to go for bigger/better.

We looked at ~20 places and had a very strong Top 5 list. I fell “in like” with two leasing specialists, one where an acquaintance of ours lives. We found: a lovely town home, an über quiet place up the road, hardwood floors, door-to-door valet trash service, amazing views, and a couple of places with a lot of rugrats. All of the options gave us more space (so I can use Daddy’s desk again!), better amenities for our lifestyle, garage options (so we can stop paying for a storage unit primarily for Daddy’s desk and “junk”), better fixtures, and a better layout.

Just like we did when house hunting, we made a matrix of all the “stuff”. And just like most brides do with a wedding gown, we ended up at the first place we wanted to see: Villas at Stone Oak Ranch. We have good/affordable access to a game room and a 30-seat movie theater. There is a “gift wrap” area full of paper and tape and scissors. All the standards are there too: gym, pool, business center, etc. We have a detached garage, a square balcony, “Romeo & Juliet” doors off the dining room (which I’ve re-named Rapunzel doors), garden tubs, a kitchen that is open on two ends, an excellent pantry, and data ports in all the rooms. The only things we didn’t get: gas cooking (REALLY hard to find) and a fireplace (again? dammit!). But the deal was just too good to pass up compared to the other places in consideration.

Aside: During the process we met an amazing woman named Wendie. She gave us the low-down on why so many communities are doing away with their hot tubs. Turns out, some really scary (as in: there is no known cure) stuff can survive even in 104?-temperature chemical-treated water. The report is new and we could not find it online, but it’s scary. Do not, I repeat: DO NOT get in a public hot tub. Feet only. No “sensitive” areas allowed. eeeeeewwww!

Don’t worry friends and family: we’re hiring movers. We are also cleaning out the storage unit and holding a big moving sale in their parking lot. What doesn’t get sold is getting donated. Goodwill is going to LOVE us! LMK if you are close and care about the few big-ticket items we’re selling.

Oh! And we were able to surprise a friend with the referral fee paid to REALTORs. She’s a single mom and a cancer survivor, so she was elated with the news.

(The) Grandaddy

Grandaddy is quite frustrated and bored. His hip is so messed up from the botched “Paris-effin’-Texas” surgery that he can’t sit up. He’s been laying down since Hallowe’en. The Longview/Tyler doctors have deemed all surgical options too risky. Health care is a joke from the beginning; but in a small town that is 20 years behind the times, 1 hour from an interstate highway, and 2 hours from anything you’ve ever heard of, it’s nothing short of tragic. Mama Bee is still fighting the residuals from the beotch who called APS on her (the witch has since apologized), but no one wants to take Grandaddy on as a client. They claim he’ll have a stroke if he stays in bed too much longer, but they won’t come help her get him the physical therapy he needs to get out of the hospital bed. It’s heartbreaking….worse so to be physically and financially powerless to help. If I could wave a magic wand, I’d care-flight him to one of those fancy-schmancy places in Dallas where he’d get all the help he needs. Again, I need to win the lottery for that. I don’t know what those places cost, but even the crappy Paris nursing homes are $6K per month…and for terrible care compared with what my Grandmother can do (even at her small stature).

The Fraud

In the midst of The Move, we got a call that we’d have to pay rent with “certified funds” like a cashier’s check or money order. We’ve been on auto-draft, so this would be a real pain in the butt. Today, I called the “ladder” of people to find out the cause. Some jackass spoofed my Texas driver’s license number when writing a bad check at Walmart in a town I’ve never been to in Oklahoma. Telecheck reported it to credit on my DL number without checking any facts like the name. So, now, I’m in the middle of yet another fraud mess. I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened. So, to all the people who gave me shit (my sorority included) for wanting to protect my SSN, DL, DOB, mailing address, and other “credit” information, Fuck You! THIS is why. Less than $300 of stupid means we have to get a money order for rent every month? Are you kidding? Since Emil was just frauded over Xmas, this is just another reason to try to get off the financial grid. I haven’t even owned checks in years and I’m still dealing with this kind of bullshit.

Dear Walmart: stop taking checks. They are not money. They are only theft.

“Dear” Telecheck, this a’int our first rodeo for something completely out of my control. I already don’t shop at any store that posts they use you. You have needed better processes since ~1993 when I bought <$10 worth of socks from one of your client stores. Your sign in the window means I don’t shop there. fuckers. Oh, and if you think I’m alone in my opinion, search “telecheck” on Twitter. You need to learn/use social media, too, BTW.

The Fun

Austin is about to ride the big wave of fun that is Spring. Right after we move in, we’ll have RISE (free workshops for entrepreneurs) and the four South by Southwest conferences. I’ve been invited to return tot he photo crew for SXSW. And, I’ve been selected to wrangle for another all-time favorite photographer at Texas School in May. It’s a fun ride, but it’s a sprint, so jump on board fast if you want to hang with us!

Oh, and for those of you close by, look for a party in April or May. The party room at the new place is stellar (pool, poker, shuffleboard, music, swimming, etc.)

Touched by my friend Nanette (whom I’ve met IRL a couple of times, but feel I’ve known in my soul for a lifetime or two), I give you my newly-stolen 2012 mantra:

“Prioritize joy, now!”

Now, go read her words of inspiration and the post that instigated her’s.

And Nanette, Friend, though we’ve known each other briefly in this short life, please know that I love you. (#7 was a close second for my 2012 mantra thievery.)

Your Turn

Do you have theme/mantra/slogan for 2012? If so, please share! And, if you have resources for the, please cite/share. We all love to share the love.

Jeff and Judy are fabulous and comfortable hosts, so we had plenty of options for snackage and drinkage. They got a Hickory Farms gift for xmas filled with summer sausage, cheese, mustard, fancy crackers, etc.

They also shopped a little. Wallace and Gromit fans: we got to try Wensleydale Cheese! (Come On! Say it in your best Queen’s English Accent, “Weeeeeennn-sley-dale!!!”) I was tempted to have more that just a taste. nom nom nom. I didn’t expect to like this exact one because it was laced with cranberries (texture issues) but it was divine and smooth! Emil liked it too, which says a lot about the cranberries adding to the flavor in a good way!

We had some great beer and wine options, but since I was officially skipping a dose of Codeine for a respiratory infection, I kept a slow pace. They did send us home with a lovely bottle of Innovac!ón wine. It’s a Tempranillo Malbec from the Mendoza region in Argentina. Bliss. In. A. Glass. I hear it’s at Specs and even Costco!

Judy was the only one who would eat Hoppin’ John with meat, so she made one like none I’d ever seen: with collard greens and ham. Interesting. It smelled good and inspired me to add greens to my next vegan version of the same.

Emil grabbed his usually favorite party snack tray from HEB and about 30 bottles of Dr. Pepper.

I made two new things that were just lovely, in my vegan opinion. (And, since both casseroles I made for xmas were so bland I dumped all of them down the disposal, this was a nice change of pace.)

Vegan Chili-con-queso

• 1 can vegan chili (Some are just beans and tomatoes with seasonings. Others have textured soy protein for a “ground meat” feel to them.)
• 1 8oz tub of vegan cream cheese

1. Bring the cream cheese close to room temperature.
2. Heat the chili for 2-3 minutes in a microwave.
3. Blend the two together.
4. Microwave again as necessary to blend and/or just before serving.
5. Serve warm with tortilla chips.

This is the closest thing to a real queso I’ve had and it was good. Judy liked it, too! The beauty is that any of you can pick up a can of Wolf Brand chili and cream cheese and do the same non-vegan version. The recipe didn’t call for heating it, and it is good when it’s no longer warm, but it was so much better heated up! One advantage of the vegan version is that there is nothing in it that will spoil if it sits out all night for a long party. So, if you are taking this to share, you might consider keeping it vegan for convenience.

Cream Cheese Sandwich Spread

• 1 8oz tub of vegan cream cheese, room temperature
• fresh garlic, minced; to taste. (I used about 2 Tablespoons and it was quite garlicky.)
• 1-2 bell peppers (the small red one I was was not quite enough. I’ll use two colors next time.), diced
• celery, diced (based more on taste/texture than anything. I used about half a small bundle. I’ll add more next time.)

1. Bring the cream cheese close to room temperature.
2. Mince the garlic and dice the veggies.
3. Blend all together.
4. Serve with crackers, baguette pieces, Melba toast, etc. Or, use as a spread on your favorite veggie sandwich.

I’ve been in a hummus and guacamole rut, so this got me right out of it. I can’t wait to try it again with other veggies (carrots? tiny broccoli?) and on a sandwich with fresh veggies to compliment. Again, if you aren’t vegan, use your favorite cream cheese and some crisp veggies for fresh noshing. This will be great in the summer (and since it was 78 degrees on New Year’s Eve in Austin, it was a welcome refreshment.)

Whatever way you found to celebrate, we hope it was grand.

To all our family and friends, Happy New Year! We wish you a prosperous 2012.

We got to see both sides of the family [1]  and made time for oursleve, too. And, this is the first time in a long time that we didn’t get each other a same gift.

Armed with new toys and gadgets (this blog post is coming to you from our couch via the new bluetooth QWERTY keyboard for my iPhone), we have a few days of R&R planned. We’ll see you all in 2012.

Happy New Year!

.

[1] At Thanksgiving, we learned that one oft he Amanda’s is pregnant. Today, we learned the other one is too. The first cousins will be born in June and July. If my count is correct, these will be our 20th and 21st great neice/newphews. That’s a lot of babies in just 10 years.

Childfree Spectrum ©2011 Lori Luza.

Best viewed with a browser that will re-size the graphic to fit the window.

From people who happen to have children, to parents, to the childless, to the childfree, this graphic I made describes the whole spectrum.

.

.

At lunch, I went to visit my doggie BFF. Our routine is a quick walk (In spite of being a greyhound, he’d have it no other way.), followed by some couch time, and then back in his crate with an afternoon treat.

At the end of my couch time I got up to get his treat, knelt to give him kisses on his head (which I always do) and was met with barking and two bites to the top of my head.

I cleaned up, tried to stop the bleeding, and called Emil to tell him I was ok. I asked him where the nearest urgent care facility was. He offered to come get me, but I was fine, I was sure. I just wanted a professional opinion of what I couldn’t really see among my hair.

Four staples. Yep. And, having had stitches several times, I’ll take staples any day! I’ll especially take them if I can request the same Novocain-without-epinephrin numbing agent that the kind Dr. Saeed gave me!

Every couple of days, the wound hurts and every other couple of days I have to go in for a checkup. I get the staples out on Tuesday, supposedly.

I nick-named myself The Borg. Emil has been much more creative: Metal Head, Frankenstein, Staple Head, Broken, Iron Head, etc.

.

.

.

squick alert for the picture of the staples

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

staples in my head

…and I just had to steal it for our blog.

For the last ~2 years, we’ve been working on getting @Purrrrrl‘s weight down.

Boring How We Got Here Story

While we used to free-feed them dry food, we switched to canned for a while. Her sensitive tummy, means days of mixing food and lots of accidents. Canned food was a pain if we wanted to go away for more than just the day, but we made it work. At the next “Kitty Weight Watchers” “weigh in”, we learned she’d only lost a few ounces. She’s a cat, so that’s good progress, but she needs to lose several pounds, so when the next “weigh in” showed she’d gained, we went food shopping again. Another pet store owner told us about this grain-free dry stuff. Well, it makes her sick. We kept trying it because she kept showing signs she was getting more accustomed to it. However, she has proven to me that, given the right circumstances, she can poop faster than I can clean. After trying for too long, we went back to the canned.

New Game and Some Kitty Conversation

Because we are feeding them limited amounts and on a schedule, I have an alarm in my phone for 9:00 each 12 hours. They can’t eat until my phone meows. Still, anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours before 9 o’clock, they beg. Today, Purrrrl sat next to me at the computer at 8:50am and the conversation went like this:

Purrrrrl: Meow

me: Not yet. Ten more minutes

Purrrrrl: Meow

me: No. Ten minutes.

Purrrrrl: Meow

me: Eleven minutes?

Purrrrrl: Meow

me: Twleve minutes?

Purrrrrl: [scoffed like a teenager and walked away.]

I knew cats could show angst and be flippant, but who knew they could count???