• 14Oct

    “However, it’s not his right to make you feel awful, over and over, about something that happened several years ago. There’s a difference between processing feelings and acting out.”

    “You can’t have an equal relationship if one person is always being forced to apologize for something that happened in the past.”

    My Boyfriend Won’t Forgive Me for Cheating Years Ago http://t.co/iMKTuhCm6p pic.twitter.com/52vN0kCA54

    — Cosmopolitan (@Cosmopolitan) October 14, 2015

  • 13Sep

    Today, we went to a family birthday party. It was great to see “everyone”. We used to see everyone pretty often. In fact, there were kinda regular Sunday dinners at Emil’s mom’s house when he and I first started dating. Literally every family member came to those. They were great. Then, we had about half the family at Thanksgiving but almost everyone at Christmas. And no one missed Easter.

    Then, the grandkids had their own kids. Holidays went from rare to never for some family members. Those random Sunday dinners went the way of the dodo bird. Emil & I eventually bailed, too. We were some of the last holdouts for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but the first to abandon Easter after being left alone a couple of times.

    With Mom in memory care, the family doesn’t do Thanksgiving or Christmas anymore. One sister suggested we do a holiday gathering of some sort, but without all the presents and food. I quickly suggested Twelfth Night. It’s the 12th day of Christmas and we can always plan for the weekend after New Years. I think it’s perfect. Then the conversation went back to the “holidays”. [I didn’t ::sigh:: but come on. There are 12 days of Christmas; they start on Christmas Day.] “Between Thanksgiving and Christmas” was the consensus in that small group. I explained that that cuts us out. “no no no, between them”. “yeah, we’re busy.” “every weekend?” “yep, every year.”

    So, that got me to thinking. What weekends do we have and here’s the list of our #childfree lives and the busy that is us.

    • Sept 5 – Dec 5: nearly every Saturday, some Thursdays, even a Friday one time. College football for our two teams. For me, that also includes doing my part with my little alumni club.
    • August – February: nearly every Sunday: NFL. I couldn’t care less, but Emil is glued to the TV for that whole time. He plans it in advance and won’t miss it for hardly anything. Today’s party was a) an exception, b) also had football, and c) didn’t overlap his favorite team/game, the Cowboys.
    • Sept 19th: Texas Craft Brewers Festival. Expensive tickets were purchased well in advance. And, Emil is the designated driver for me and two friends, so they are counting on us, too.
    • Sept 26-27th: Pecan Street Festival. We went last year and loved it. While it’s a 2x per year event, the spring date never works for us.
    • October: big football like Miami at FSU. It’s also the nicest month of the year. We’re not yet fully booked, but always end up with plans every weekend.
    • October 24/31: Halloween parties; It’s my favorite holiday of the year. I’m not missing that for anything/one.
    • November 26: Thanksgiving
    • November 27: Birthday Bacchanal begins. Emil and several of our friends have birthdays in the last week of November and first week of December. It’s usually a week-to-10-days long celebration with each birthday honoree picking the activity for their day. Emil requests that week off in like July or something.
    • Dec 5th: This year, it’s a family wedding.
    • Dec 12th (annually on the Saturday): a bar-crawl benefit for ACC schools. A couple of hundred alumni drink for a cause.
    • Somewhere in there, we need to make the big road trip to see my family (or what’s left of it).

    So, um, yeah, we’re booked ~every weekend for the entire fall, especially during the “holidays”. The exceptions are a Saturday in September (ooops, that passed) and maybe one or two Saturdays in November.

    I didn’t tell them that I don’t do holiday parties anymore, but it won’t likely matter.

  • 05Aug

    Happy Birthday,  Daddy!

    I’ll be honest. I hope I am very distracted today. Jes just lost her dad, and I am spending the week with her to help her get through some of the physical stuff.  I don’t need to add to her grief. 

    You’d turn a young 69 years old today. Mom is still a fucking wreck, and it’s mostly your best friend’s fault.

    God/nature/universe is cruel.

  • 30Jul

    There have been some baby steps made by The Abuser and my mom.

    • His truck (his “precious baby” truck) has reportedly moved to his house. This is huge. He loves that truck more than anything else. He was storing it in the extra garage bay at my mom’s.
    • He helped set up for and then went to the 3-day gun show in Paris. While he was gone, my mom visited lots with my grandmother. Mama Bee saw glimmers of “the old Annabee” in her words, tone, and body language. She was a lot less rattled with him gone for a few days.
    • At the end of their visit on Sunday, my mom mentioned not being able to get gas. Mama Bee took her up to the station to teach her how to pump gas, again. She hasn’t done it in so long that she forgot how. This blows my mind.
      • How did she forget how to do something she’s been doing since long before she could drive (since there was a gas station in our family when my mom was young)?
      • How shattered is her self confidence that she can’t read the instructions on the screen and follow along to pump gas? How damaged is she, really?
      • She knows the law; if she asks for help, they have to give it to her. Why not just ask?

    She is still afraid of being alone. I get that, but she’s so much better with him gone than with him there. We can help her with the stuff she’s afraid of like getting gas and resetting the clocks every time change. (And wow she hangs up on the smallest of things, huh?)….

    …but we can’t help her make him leave. She has to do that all on her own and because she wants to.


  • 03Jul

    As our nation celebrates its independence, I wish for the same for my mom and other victims of domestic abuse.

  • 25Jun

    It’s gotten worse. My mom hasn’t hit “bottom” but it’s worse.

    This month was the annual family reunion on my maternal grandfather’s side. They’re a bit odd, but it’s all the family my mom has left, and they are the cousins she grew up with. Nearly all of them live in other places now, so this reunion is the only time she sees them. This event was so important to my grandparents that they footed the entire bill for the whole thing for many years.

    She offered to drive my grandmother to the Saturday evening event out in the country. Another family member also needed a ride and my grandmother wanted to ask my mom if she can join them.

    But mom wouldn’t answer her phone. She has one of those stupid ring-back tones on it and it does several loops of “9 to 5” and then goes to voicemail. I guess I should take comfort in that a) the phone is on and b) she’s not hitting the Ignore Call button. Anyway, it’s either that or that her phone was really far from her for hours at a time (not likely).

    She probably didn’t want to go. She didn’t want her cousins to ask about The Abuser. They might see how bad she looks or read more into the situation than she wants them to know. She’s also pissed that he was never invited. Other people bring their SOs, so if she wants him to go, it’s only up to her to invite him. Emil went when we were engaged.

    In the past, I couldn’t text her because, “I’m not typing on that little screen, and I’m not paying for someone else to send me a text.” Because $0 a month so her daughter could send her short messages would break the piggy bank. Right. (Yes, I offered to pay for it if it’s not included.) She had to go to a pretty significant effort to have text messages turned off. Oh, and if you try to text, you don’t get an error. She just never gets it. It’s like leaving a message for your junior high boyfriend.

    So, I texted her anyway, on the off chance that a setting changed and she’d get it. I kept trying to call. I got permission from my grandmother to tell her that I’m calling over & over because my grandmother needed to talk to her and can’t reach her. The text worked. She both got it and replied and called my grandmother! It’s 2015 and small miracles do happen. She said her phone was at her side at all times. Well, calls aren’t going through.

    She did call, again, with him there prompting her every word, to re-live her humiliation again. I told her (for the umpteeenth time) that I would not entertain this conversation. She used the word “sex” this time. I told her that yes, “that’s what ‘cheating’ means and I knew that” and that the conversation was over. After not having something else to talk about, we hung up.

    I immediately called The Abuser’s number. He, of course, didn’t answer. I let him a voicemail that started with “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I told him that he either forgives her or he doesn’t and that making her relive humiliation over and over again was emotional abuse. I also told him that if it happens even just one more time that I will call the police. And I will.

    They need to break up; that much is abundantly clear. Neither of them is brave enough to do that.

    She skipped both reunion events, as it turned out (….bailing on my grandmother for the ride).

    Before the “sex” phone call, she was quite confused that Emil & I weren’t going to the reunion. We haven’t been in a decade or more…since my grandparents quit hosting it. It’s not a REunion for us since I’ve only ever known any of them one day a year. We never go. My mom is fully aware of the multitude of reasons I don’t go. She kept asking when we’d get there. I kept telling her we weren’t going. “Oh, I thought you were.” In this way, conversations with her are exhausting. This messed up cognition is why she needs to see a neurologist, but there aren’t any good ones in Paris. There aren’t even any who do what she needs.

    After the weekend of the reunion, I called her (mostly to ask her why she didn’t go). She asked if we made it home safely. “Um. We haven’t left the house today.” “Well, I just wanted to be sure you got home safe.” “Home from where?” Yep, she still thought we went to the thing. So she skipped what she thought was a chance to see her only child over a fight with her boyfriend, The Abuser.

    I really wish she could find the strength to fire him from their relationship and the comfort to live alone.

    When will this finally end?

    I’m going to try to call her and my grandmother today to tell them I’ll be unavailable for the week. If there is an update to things,

  • 05May

    We made the trip home, and it wasn’t easy, but my mom’s Will is done and secured in a place where more than one of us can get to it.

    I won’t go into all the details, but Thursday was one long, giant fight. We got there at ~3pm and she showed up at 3:30 or so. We had no time to prepare as we had planned, so when pushed to explain, we had to just jump right in. My method of a written letter might have shown how important this is, but we had to skip that part. But, Friday morning was a new day in more ways than one. She re-read the Will on last time (with the changes I made from Thursdays conversations) and then willingly went with us to the bank for the signature and storage.

    Next up: Health Care Directive and Powers of Attorney. These last three documents are all a lot easier than the Will. So I might even be able to take my templates, mail them to her, and have her go to the bank on her own. Maybe.



  • 25Apr

    I’m just gonna leave these here. Both of these came across my Twitter feed this morning.

    7 reasons why being childfree isn’t selfish

    Would you help save the Earth by being childfree?


  • 07Apr

    The last of the rocks have been hauled and placed into the beds. It looks so much better back there, now.

    Next steps include planting some seeds, arranging some of the groups of larger stones, and a gutter for the patio cover (and eventually, a rain barrel).

  • 04Apr

    We needed to get away. After our best-laid plans to go to Paris for the “paperwork trip” failed, we made plans for another MicroVacay. (If a vacation is a few days, and a mini vacation is a weekend, then we consider a day trip without an overnight stay to be a micro vacation.) We went to Marble Falls where we found even more stuff to do than on our previous visits.

    our view

    bluebonnets were thick along the roadsides…

    …and out in the fields, too.

    Marble Falls has a dalmation-painted fire hydrant.

    99 bottles of beer on the wall.

    This was my dream car in ~1993. I even wanted this color.

    This view is atop a hill in Marble Falls next to a restaurant and event center.


    “Stonehenge II” down below.

    Moar! Blue! Bonnets!

    Desserts: sundae for E, key lime pie for L

    And, we did all of this in our new car (our 4th Mazda, zoom zoom!)! We went in for an oil change and they worked a miracle for us for a new one. We upgraded features for just a tiny bit more than we were already paying. Plus, we got a color this time (blue). The gray one just never worked right after its accident.

    I’m calling her Bonnie (and did pictures early) in hopes of warding off any bad luck we had with Stormy (who never really got a name and who never got photographed until that chick ran into us at the red light and did $8500 in damages).

    The drives were pretty. The patio enjoying was fabulous. The little shops/boutiques were wonderful. The walks/hikes were great. And we plan to go back in June for their adult soap-box derby.