ChildFree

It’s been one party after another for us.

• Miami played FSU in basket ball (and had a darn good showing!)
• Our No Kidding! chapter had our annual Chocolate party on Valentine’s weekend.
• This past weekend was a beer tour at Circle Brewery (owned by a Miami alumnus!)
• The same day, we attended a Mardi Gras party hosted by two Creole Cajuns!

We joined two childfree friends for a quiet New Years Eve celebration with the games of Talisman and You Don’t Know Jack for Roku. Hours of gaming fun! Even though I was last-place-by-far, I was quite surprised to learn it was 11:30 and we should freshen our drinks and find the new stand in for Dick Clark. Time flies when you’re having fun.

Jeff and Judy are fabulous and comfortable hosts, so we had plenty of options for snackage and drinkage. They got a Hickory Farms gift for xmas filled with summer sausage, cheese, mustard, fancy crackers, etc.

They also shopped a little. Wallace and Gromit fans: we got to try Wensleydale Cheese! (Come On! Say it in your best Queen’s English Accent, “Weeeeeennn-sley-dale!!!”) I was tempted to have more that just a taste. nom nom nom. I didn’t expect to like this exact one because it was laced with cranberries (texture issues) but it was divine and smooth! Emil liked it too, which says a lot about the cranberries adding to the flavor in a good way!

We had some great beer and wine options, but since I was officially skipping a dose of Codeine for a respiratory infection, I kept a slow pace. They did send us home with a lovely bottle of Innovac!ón wine. It’s a Tempranillo Malbec from the Mendoza region in Argentina. Bliss. In. A. Glass. I hear it’s at Specs and even Costco!

Judy was the only one who would eat Hoppin’ John with meat, so she made one like none I’d ever seen: with collard greens and ham. Interesting. It smelled good and inspired me to add greens to my next vegan version of the same.

Emil grabbed his usually favorite party snack tray from HEB and about 30 bottles of Dr. Pepper.

I made two new things that were just lovely, in my vegan opinion. (And, since both casseroles I made for xmas were so bland I dumped all of them down the disposal, this was a nice change of pace.)

Vegan Chili-con-queso

• 1 can vegan chili (Some are just beans and tomatoes with seasonings. Others have textured soy protein for a “ground meat” feel to them.)
• 1 8oz tub of vegan cream cheese

1. Bring the cream cheese close to room temperature.
2. Heat the chili for 2-3 minutes in a microwave.
3. Blend the two together.
4. Microwave again as necessary to blend and/or just before serving.
5. Serve warm with tortilla chips.

This is the closest thing to a real queso I’ve had and it was good. Judy liked it, too! The beauty is that any of you can pick up a can of Wolf Brand chili and cream cheese and do the same non-vegan version. The recipe didn’t call for heating it, and it is good when it’s no longer warm, but it was so much better heated up! One advantage of the vegan version is that there is nothing in it that will spoil if it sits out all night for a long party. So, if you are taking this to share, you might consider keeping it vegan for convenience.

Cream Cheese Sandwich Spread

• 1 8oz tub of vegan cream cheese, room temperature
• fresh garlic, minced; to taste. (I used about 2 Tablespoons and it was quite garlicky.)
• 1-2 bell peppers (the small red one I was was not quite enough. I’ll use two colors next time.), diced
• celery, diced (based more on taste/texture than anything. I used about half a small bundle. I’ll add more next time.)

1. Bring the cream cheese close to room temperature.
2. Mince the garlic and dice the veggies.
3. Blend all together.
4. Serve with crackers, baguette pieces, Melba toast, etc. Or, use as a spread on your favorite veggie sandwich.

I’ve been in a hummus and guacamole rut, so this got me right out of it. I can’t wait to try it again with other veggies (carrots? tiny broccoli?) and on a sandwich with fresh veggies to compliment. Again, if you aren’t vegan, use your favorite cream cheese and some crisp veggies for fresh noshing. This will be great in the summer (and since it was 78 degrees on New Year’s Eve in Austin, it was a welcome refreshment.)

Whatever way you found to celebrate, we hope it was grand.

There has been much debate over the last few days over the definition of the term Childfree. I feel the spectrum is best described with a graphic. Unable to find one on the web, I made one.

Best viewed with a browser that will re-size the graphic to fit the window.

From people who happen to have children, to parents, to the childless, to the childfree, this graphic I made describes the whole spectrum.

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Dear Alamo @Drafthouse,

Thank you.

Thank you for creating a place where adults can routinely enjoy a movie among the company of other well-behaved adults. Thank you for the No Talking/Texting” rules and the No Little Kids policy. Coupled with the ever-changing menu, glorious drink list, and fabulous service, it’s an adult oasis in an otherwise family (ahem) “friendly” world.

My favorite no-talking spot is, of course, the uncensored version of  “Magnited States of America“. I applaud you for sticking by your standards. Your rules are, in fact, the biggest reason I even darken the door of a movie theater. Yours is the only one I’ll visit. Between your policies/service and the RunPee app (which I keep discreetly running in night mode, in my lap, and away from neighbors), I can enjoy a movie experience.

Thank you for keeping the movie-going experience one worthy of adult admission prices.

Your fan,

Lori

Dear parUNts of the little Crotch Dropping next to me at the Alamo Drafthouse,

I knew we were in for a miserable experience when you seated him to the inside instead of between you two. No decent parent would put a kid between them and a stranger when there was another option, even with a seat of space.

The little bastard (and I’m pretty sure this is literal given how little attention he got/sought from “Daddy”) of ~7 years was far too immature for the two-plus-hours movie experience at the Alamo Drafthouse. He was bored 30 minutes before the movie started, and again 20 minutes before the movie started, and again 10 minutes before the movie started. While he might be “technically” old enough to quality for admission, his maturity is far too young for this excursion. He caught my attention the most when he asked if you two called him a “douche” (you said, “dude”). I know you’d save those precious first words for his baby book, but you were too busy chatting to notice he uttered such a statement. Where, pray tell, did he hear did he hear that word used in a derogatory manner?

During the movie and even with a bevvy of food (popcorn, an entire personal pizza, and an adult-sized drink), he was bothering you for more food and attention. When that didn’t work, he climbed up and down over and over again sitting up tall and then down low. He was annoying, even two seats away. When his Mommy-never-says-”no” version of ADD kicked in, he began bouncing his theater seat between the up/down positions repeatedly. You still said/did nothing.

I knew I was not being too sensitive when the young girl (~9 years old) in the row ahead of us and a few seats over kept turning and looking back at him. Her parents had the impeccable manners to tell her to stop.

He pushed too far when, about half way through the movie, he stood up in his seat. I told him, “Sit Down.” I did not yell. I did not use the expletives I wanted to, though I’m sure he knows them all. I simply did what any normal adult would do. It takes a village to raise your child, after all! He was far more well behaved after being scolded by a stranger. He was not perfect, but he heeded the advice of discipline. You should try it, sometime.

Yet, when the movie was over, and after I walked right past you three, you accosted my husband and told him you didn’t appreciate what I said to your child??? While I’m sure your feelings were genuine, you should have aired your grievances with me. My husband neither speaks for nor represents me. You got lucky; he’s a lot more polite than I am. Heh, I bet you were surprised by his reaction of “I don’t care what you think.”

Had you discussed this with me, I would have loudly explained to you that “parent” is a verb and that you weren’t doing it. I would have cited your “fuck trophy’s” egregious behavior to all within earshot so that others, namely those behind and in front of him, could chime in. I’d have explained the policy of the Alamo Drafthouse and that everyone is expected to keep quiet during shows. (And, no, his tall/low sitting, bouncing the seat, asking for food, etc. is not quiet.)

In addition, I’d have told you that your child is a shining example of what’s wrong with our country. And, before you could question that logic, I’d tell you that I’m the daughter of two teachers, that I grew up learning to behave in public, that I have a Masters’ degree (and then some) in Education, that I expect you to teach your child to behave, and, finally, that parents like you are the numero uno reason why I don’t want kids. I don’t want my kids to have to associate with the little fucker you’ve bred. Why should I have to be the “bad guy” to my kids when people like you won’t discipline yours? This year, it’s movie etiquette; in five years, it’s bullying and sexting; in ten years, it’s drugs or worse. Please for the love of humanity, say “no”, now!

If I really wanted to make your night miserable, all I had to do was raise a card; you’d have been booted by a manager. How much fun would that have been for the little Crotch Fruit? Instead, I gave you a pass and made sure your kid knew his rampant behavior wasn’t acceptable. Count your lucky fucking stars that you got to finish the movie instead of blowing $30 on tickets and that-much-or-more on food/drinks before being thrown out. …and then having to try to see the movie again to appease the power of his wishes over those of you!

Next time a stranger confronts your child about his behavior, you need to look at what he’s doing that would warrant intervention!

Sincerely,
I was a good kid. / Why is yours a little shit?

At the most recent Austin No Kidding! monthly supper, we were talking about all the terrible books we “had” to read in high school. I was amazed that this group of mostly well-read people had a lot of same opinions I did on this topic. One member brought up some terrible “work” that was used to teach symbolism.

Today, I was watching the last streamable episode of Weeds. The show is currently wrapping up Season 7 and this was the end of Season 5.

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If you don’t want a spoiler, you should stop reading until past the line of =====.

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Somewhere in Season 5, Uncle Andy calls Shane, the middle 14-year-old son a “dark little man”. Since Shane is the “good kid” in the family, this seemed odd and caught me off guard. The cliffhanger for Season 5 ended with a fight between Nancy and her husband’s campaign manager, Pilar. Nancy had arranged for Pilar to be killed, but the killer ratted to Pilar instead. Pilar stakes her ground with Nancy by threatening the lives of Nancy’s children by her first husband, calling them disposable. The next image we see is something smacking Pilar in the head. Hard. The camera turned to show us Shane, standing there with a croquet mallet, and then panned out from Pilar’s limp body floating in the pool, leaving us to believe she’s dead. Since I had to look up how to spell Pilar’s name, I see she was only in 5 episodes of the show, so I don’t expect her to make some miraculous recovery from that blow.

Dark indeed, little man. Dark indeed.

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And the point of this recount: foreshadowing resolved in modern entertinment. I wonder why they don’t just show Weeds in high school English, instead of reading Lord of the Flies? j.k.

Mostly, I hated that we read so very much with some sick attempt to read everything under the sun. At one point in high school, we were reading 7–yes, seven–books at one time. That was one of times I was immensely grateful for Kristy N. and her parents’ pull with the district. She slammed her hand on her desk, said “no”, and chastised our teacher (a Texas teacher of the year, for crying out loud):
She said something like, “NO! We are reading seven books right now and five of them are for you. It’s too much, and we can’t keep up. We have six classes in addition to yours. You will not assign this book to us, now.” Man, I loved being in classes with her.
If we really needed to learn from all the stories, why didn’t we watch more books that were made into movies to make room for more reading? Why didn’t we ever read synopses of the “less important” books to get to the meat/point of it all?

I hated that we had to read so much “old” stuff. It was a big struggle to deal with characters with foreign names in multiple books at a time. Remembering dates/times/places for tests was a huge and unnecessary chore that didn’t enhance my learning. And, are “today’s” writers so terrible that we can’t read anything set in modern day? Did everything have to be about a world war, old/poor people, or sci fi? If we could read the rape scenes, adultery, and far too much violence toward animals, why couldn’t we read just plain horror/suspense once in a while? Or a happy love story? Why not, just once, have us read something the literature community considers “bad” so we can see why/how?

Case in point: the best score I ever got on any test from any novel was the one I didn’t read any of. I read the “novella” for children, studied the Cliff’s notes, and participated in all the discussion. Highest score for me ever…and the highest in the class: 94. #booyah

…and don’t even get me started on the whole banned book bullshit.

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I wish I had kept a list of all the terrible books that were forced upon us and the lists everyone shared at dinner. We were pretty uniform in our love/hate lists.

I hated:

• Lord of the Flies
• The Old Man and the Sea
• The Good Earth
• The Red Badge of Courage
• A Tale of Two Cities
• The Scarlett Letter
• All Quiet on the Western Front
• Macbeth
• Hamlet
• The Jungle
• The Grapes of Wrath
• Of Mice and Men
• Ethan Frome

I didn’t love or hate:

• I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
• Great Expectations
• The Odyssey
• To Kill a Mockingbird
• The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
• Our Town
• Romeo & Juliet

I liked:

• Fahrenheit 451
• Flowers for Algernon
• The Iliad
• A Separate Peace
• Death of a Salesman
• The Pearl
• Lamb to the Slaughter

I wish we’d read:

• Anything by Steven King.
• Anything set in present day.
• Anything about the Deep South.
• Stuff that happened in America.
• Stuff that ended happy.

I didn’t have time or energy to read for fun. I blame that same teacher (five books at one time? really?) for turning me off from reading. I hate that I don’t read more. I hate that she ruined this for me.

Your Turn

What did you have to read in high school or college that you hated? What did you love? I bet your list will be a ratio of at least 4:1. Our list was about 10:1

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“… just providing a child with the basics has become more than most parents can afford.”

Synopsis on WhyNoKids.com

http://whynokids.com/2011/09/21/the-cost-of-raising-a-child-climbed-40-over-the-past-decade/

Original Article on CNN Money

http://money.cnn.com/2011/09/21/pf/cost_raising_child/index.htm?hpt=hp_c2

Kids are not for everyone, including us.

Luckily, we’ve not had too much grief over it. Emil’s mom totally understands. My grandmother completely gets it. Others in our family do, too. I even suspect one person opened a can of whup ass on someone one time for repeatedly arguing with me about our choice.

I’ve started a list of some of our reasons. Currently the top three are pee, poo, and puke. Yes, in that order (but just to be funny). When I have at least 100, I’ll begin sharing it.

In the mean time, peruse the list over at Childfreedom. She hits the nail on the head.

#20 is one of my faves, that I’ll for sure be adding to our list.

#44 is definitely “us”

…and I’m going to speak for Emil and say that I know his favorite would be #10 on her list.

…and for Purrrrrl, Turtleor, & Marble: #88.

Thanks again, The Oatmeal!

Today, while running a long errand at Kohl’s, I encountered a terribly ill-behaved child. He was trying to “ride” one of their little hand carts. They aren’t like grocery store shopping carts, so it was making a terrible noise and was probably marking the floor. His mom would occasionally call him to her, but he ignored her each time. He also through the sections being loud and annoying.

When I was almost done with all that I had to do, another child was nearby screaming and screeching. His mom just ignored him. When his big sister finally tried to do something to appease him, he hit her. Just as this was going on, idiot child #1 reappeared and was “shopping” the same rack that I was. I gave him a look that dared him to mess with the stuff I was trying to see. It’s my lifeguard look from back in the day…and a talent I inherited from my teacher-parents. He got the message.

At checkout, I told the woman at the register that I didn’t know how they did it every day. She said she was glad that part of her life was over and I chimed in with “every day I’m glad we skipped that chapter in life.” At the end, she asked me to take a survey on the store’s customer service. I told her I’d be happy to and that I’d suggest one ChildFree shopping hour per month. She didn’t seem amused. I explained that I’d spend more if I could stand to be in the store a little longer.

Now, I know that people don’t have anywhere to put their kids when they run errands. It’s not necessarily something they can just hire a baby sitter for. What I don’t get is how anyone can “shop” for “fun” with an audibly upset or disruptively bored child in tow. I remember how boring shopping was as a kid. Even if they clothes and shoes were for me, it was a chore that took much too long. Finally, I do not understand why kids aren’t expected to behave in public spaces. If I had acted like either one of these kids, I’d have been in big trouble.

So, on the way out the door, I had zero problem disciplining child #1. He was far too old to be chewing on the handle of the hand cart they had been using. He was away from his mom, “putting it away”. I gave him a direct look and told him in a very stern voice, “Don’t do that; it’s gross!” He looked shocked that a stranger would dare to cross him. I walked out mumbling “it takes a village….yeah, it takes an entire village to raise that one idiot.”

There is a reason the grocery stores have wipes for the shopping carts. I think I’m just going to lug a gallon of Lysol spray with me when I have to go any place with those kinds of kids.