z. blacklist

Another rant so soon? Yes, it seems these things come in waves. Furthermore, there have been several things going on.

In all kinds of ways, I give a LOT to my community. I give time/skill/talent to charity and other community efforts. I pick up random trash I see. I take a shopping cart from the parking lot into the store. I truly strive to leave every place better than I found it. When asked, I freely give advice for business or charity or just whatever experience I’ve had. I connect people to one another all the time when I see that they have a reason to trade contact info. Etc. Ad Nauseam. Et. Al. Dammit. I don’t want to stop doing these things. I don’t want to have to hold certain information as “proprietary” or “client-only”. Unlike to most only children, I like to share.

I’ve been told I’m a giver. I guess that fits more times than not. Still, at several points in my life, I’ve been faced with no-tit-for-tat. I have never claimed a need for things to be equally balanced. In fact, close friends will tell you that I frequently give more than I expect to receive.

Still, I need for there to be some balance. After all, Themis can hold unbalanced scales only to a certain point before she topples over. I need to be rewarded for my hard work/knowledge/etc. in some small manner. Just give credit where credit is due.

Lately, I’ve given, given, and given. And I’m sad to say that I haven’t been fairly acknowledged when the circumstances called for it.

• There was one charity who failed to recognize my donation. Even as I was taking photographs of the leader thanking all the other sponsor vendors, she left me out. Just about the time I was going to give up on them, they gave me props and then some. They earned their way back into my good graces with some serious publicity for As You Wish.
• Our new neighbors like to slam (not close, not shut, but SLAM!) their door 20+ times a day. Even whey they all leave together (we have NO IDEA how many are living in that 2 bedroom unit), they slam the door at least once per person.
  In addition, some resident dog owners aren’t picking up their dog’s poop. One lady even lets her dogs run around unleashed and unsupervised. Really? Read your lease! I am now helping a friend with the occasional dog walk. I will rat you out if I catch you.
  If I can pick up the wind-blown trash around here, they can at least make the effort to close the door (instead of slamming it) and pick up their “canine bowl movements”.
• Someone who learned a lot from me through a volunteer experience misused that knowledge. Now, while this would normally not be a thing (we all learn from each other; we all take ideas and tweak them to our liking), the friends we have in common know where she learned this stuff. Again, not a problem…until she professed fact to some mis-information that could make me look inept. This is annoying because she even requested donations from me. I couldn’t honor her request, but spent a decent amount of time trading info with her about exactly how to do what she wanted. Um, don’t use me as your “expert” if you are going to go against the mission of the group and cause infighting. Several years experience taught me a thing or two.
  Reminds me of another time when …
• I turned down a recurring event in part because my generous donation was not given the credit it deserved. Can you believe they asked me again two times (I politely declined the first request, but received another) to donate? What what? Oh, it gets better. Someone else posted my photos on their own blog without any reference to me what-so-ever. I guess if the original poster had credited me, the other blogger might have seen fit to follow suit, but since . Le sigh. No more freebies for anyone in that circle of influence. Meanwhile, several of that same group are patting each other on the back in a public manner. pshaw! THEY asked ME, remember? I didn’t offer my services only to find them underutilized from a lack of fit. This morning, the 2nd offender sent a note asking if they were my photos and did I want credit. Um, yes. Thankfully, she immediately gave me lovely credit. And anyone wonders why I frame and watermark most of my images? Le sigh, again.

One of my scales is full. I’m going to wait until the flies and dung beetles eat some of the shit off them before I let any more pile up. Don’t make me use that sword!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a good rant. (Man, I love living in Austin instead of Bryan/”Closet Station”!)

Background

OK, so I’ve been networking and doing all I can to grow As You Wish in Austin.

When we lived in B/CS, I was part of BNI (Business Networking International). It’s an expensive group to join and has strict membership requirements. For “house” businesses (contractors, roofers, mortgage lenders, exterminators, etc.) it seemed to work pretty well. I broke even on my costs for the group, but I was one of only two wedding vendors and it just didn’t work for me for the time and expense I invested. Also, as a sole-proprietor, it was tough to make every meeting every week. I didn’t have an assistant or other staff member to send like so many of the other businesses in the group. The kicker to the whole thing was how cliquish that group was. I don’t know if I didn’t dress well enough for them or what, but a couple of the members physically looked down their noses at me. Really! Of course one of them completely buttered up to me at a ball game one night when I was the photographer and her kids got to do a fun thing with the mascot. I’m sure she thought I’d just give her the prints of her cutest-kid-EVer™! right….

So, when my friend Alex asked me to visit his BNI chapter with him, I agreed with the above disclaimer and an “I’m not joining” statement. He understood and thought they would wow me. His chapter is great. They were a far more organized and professional group than the one I belonged to before and I made a couple of nice contacts. I can’t join, though. I can’t justify the time and expense. …and then I learned that they aren’t that different, after all. I guess every group has at least one of these.

First Little Thing

The guy I sat next to was planning a wedding. He asked me about photography, we chatted, and I followed up with him by email. I never heard back from him. So, I mentioned it to Alex who told me they already had a photographer and that he forgot to tell me. Ok, great, but the guy couldn’t write me back and let me know? This was not a quick conversation we had; we got into details. So, I chalked it up to being a wedding and him being the guy. When the bride does most of the planning, often guys don’t know the details….and wedding planning is a busy time. So, I didn’t really give it a second thought.

OMG, Are You Effin’ Kidding Me?

Weeks later, another guy from the group emailed me to schedule a one-on-one meeting…and this is the order of screw ups he managed:

1. There’s ~nothing in it for me, so I tell him to go to my online calendar and pick something out. He can’t manage to do that and I have to participate in a series of emails to accommodate him.
2. He wanted a day weeks into the future. Ok, fine. That’s weird, but whatever. Technically, it’s even rude. This isn’t a wedding. It’s not “save the date” worthy. But, calendars book up. Again, fine.
3. He wanted 9am. I already don’t care about what he does and I won’t be able to feign interest that early.
4. He wanted coffee, which I don’t drink.
5. He suggested a place on the other side of town, but we both live/work “over here”.

At this point, I really should have said “three strikes; you’re out!” Ah, if only I could see into the future! But he agreed to 10am on this side of town, so I allowed things to proceed.

6. Thursday morning, I confirm with him by email. No response.
7. Thursday afternoon, his assistant (clearly unaware of my email) confirms via voicemail.
8. Thursday afternoon, he calls my number and doesn’t leave a message. (BIG pet peeve). I don’t recognize the number, but try to call it back. His partner doesn’t know why I’m calling and tells me that either *I’m* mistaken–yeah, buddy, I can’t hit effin’ redial–or that whomever it was will call me, again.
9. Thursday evening at ~7:30pm, I get a voicemail from the guy that he needs to move our meeting to 9am the next morning. I’m at an event and don’t get the message until I get home after midnight.
10. Friday morning at ~1am, I email a reply to his voicemail (I get voicemail transcripts and sound files in my inbox): “Our meeting was at your request, and both your assistant and I confirmed our 10am meeting for (now) this morning over the last 2 days. Thus, I can no longer shift from 10am to 9am on such short notice. I wish you the best of success with your business.” I copy Alex so he knows that his co-networker is being slimy.
11. Friday morning at 9:13am (Was he going to be late to our meeting? Did he assume that his, ahem, request would be honored?), I get this email from him: “Thanks for the follow up.  I am sure you understand as a business owner the need to serve clients when things inevitable come up.  Sorry for needing to move the appointment.  Based on your email it sounds like you don’t want to meet at all – even in the future?  If so sorry you feel that way. I feel like I could be a valuable resource for you in both referrals for my clients as they need your services as well as building a relationship.  Let me know your feelings and if that is the case.
    Regards, “

Here’s what I wish I could say to him: “Yes, I understand that you got a real client in between, but this was at YOUR request. I’ve bent over backwards so you can give me your sales pitch (and vice versa), and you’ve dropped the ball at least half a dozen times. NO, I’m not interested in meeting with you. And, if the referrals you would give are anything like you I’m NOT interested. *I* accommodated *YOU* every step of the way and you have the gall to act offended? jerk.”

I don’t know if I’ll write him back or not. I might just say something like “we had a really hard time connecting and some mis-communications” and “it’s a very busy time of year for me.” Or I might do what I know Emil would suggest and just not email him at all, again, ever.

But Wait, There’s More: Side Rants

Why do morning people try to make the rest of us be like them? I don’t care that they can “do more before 9am”. I’m happy to let them do it if they’ll just let me sleep and/or take the time I need to shake the cobwebs from my brain. I don’t bug them with late-night phone calls or schedule meetings for 8pm. The expression is “GIVE and take” not, “TAKE and take”. Oh, and the motto of BNI: “Givers gain.” Clearly Mr. Ameriprise missed that memo.

Similarly, why do coffee drinkers assume that everyone drinks coffee? There is ~nothing in a coffee shop for me. I don’t like coffee. I don’t like tea that much. I don’t drink hot things unless I’m sick or VERY cold. I’m not supposed to have much sugar, so that lets out all the pastries, hot cocoa, etc. I didn’t object because I like coffee shops just fine, but it’s always makes them feel funny that I have my bottle of water or a diet coke I had to sneak in.

Backstory

Last fall, when we took a Condo tour with the GoodLife team, we loved Spring Condominiums. They were large enough to have all the amenities we wanted and the layout of their units was the most efficient and useful.

So when we were invited to their Grand Opening, we were excited. Emil had to do some stuff to a few servers, so I went on my own with the hope that he’d be able to join me later.

Terrible Event

Five minutes in, I was miserable. The party was full of snobs…and not just any snob, but the type you can tell from across the room. I texted Emil and told him that the party better get a lot better real fast, and we made plans to meet at home instead. The party planner did some things that were just wrong. Tent poles at the outdoor pool were smack in the middle of doorways. Food was tucked in a tiny corner doing such disservice that I had none and only know who catered because I was told ahead of time. The photobooth—a real booth, not a photographer with a backdrop—was all alone in the gym. They had moved machines and equipment against the walls, so there was plenty of space in there…but no people.

I don’t even know how many times I was stuck in a door or hallway or corner because people were so self-centered that they didn’t walk through the door or would stop to chat dead center in the hallway.

So, it was a terrible event. I wasn’t there 30 minutes, which is annoying after a 40 minute drive in “rain traffic”. But that’s not why I’m no longer a fan.

I Hate Snobs

One sales agent was a snob. Maybe she was mirroring her audience.

I didn’t seek her out. I buzzed through the party on the 5th floor, had my personal bubble poked waaaay too many times, grabbed a glass of wine, skipped the food corner, and headed up to the models on the 25th floor.

During my self-guided tour, I didn’t bother anyone. I didn’t keep the sales agents from schmoozing and wooing immediate buyers. I kept to myself and looked around. In the fall, we saw so many units (at four different condos) on the tour, and I wanted a reminder of the Spring ones more specifically. Plus, I wanted to say hi to my friend who just started working for Spring and was hitting all the party spaces looking for her.

One sales agent and I waited for the elevators together, so she struck up a conversation. Turns out, she remembered me and Emil from the event the in fall. Good for her; I’m always impressed by people who can do that. I gave her our same line, “We’d love to live downtown,” and added “Spring was our favorite on the tour,” alongside some of the reasons we liked it best. I didn’t want to lead her on, so I joked “…when we win the lottery.” I guess that last line was too much for her.

When the elevator doors opened, she tried to escape the conversation with me, but I didn’t realize it, at first. I said I wanted to say hi to my friend who is their new event coordinator who I hadn’t yet seen at the party. She shot a jab at me, “Well, she’s probably working.” Really, bitch? Do I look or sound that stupid? I told her I would absolutely not keep her from her work, but only wanted to say hello.

How dare she (the employee) talk down to me (a guest)? How dare she act all peaches-and-cream until we are in view of others? How dare she assume that by “say hello” I’d keep my friend from working? I can wave and say hello…and then haul ass back to the car away from this terrible event. How dare she refer to my friend with a tone indicating she’s the hired help? Yes, that’s true in this case, but it was true of the sales agent, too….and it was not true of me.

In hindsight, I should have said, “I’m sorry. WHAT was your name?” in a tone that implied I’d be ratting her behavior out to someone more important. I don’t know her name (why weren’t the event staff wearing name tags???)

So. Terrible event. Terrible experience with a staff member. No longer a fan of Spring Condominiums.

…they cease being happy.

This sounds like common sense. Too bad there are too many who don’t understand this. So, since the holidays are near, I need to share my usual bah-humbug perspective.

Christmas is not everyone’s favorite holiday.

It’s my least favorite. I’d honestly rather work than be part of it most years. Wait, that’s not exactly true. I’d rather be refreshed enough to go to work….but I am always completely spent after weeks of hurried preparations, battling a little inclement weather, staving off germs, shopping, cooking, crowds, dressing up, making nice to those who love the time of year, and listening to Jingle-freakin’-Bells for the 800th time since mid-October. In order to have enough energy for all the holiday obligations, I need to opt out of most of the usual holiday traditions. So, what I really want is quality time in a variety of forms. I want to be relaxed and refreshed enough to try to enjoy the little moments of the holiday that I do like. And, yes, by the time I get to the actual holiday, I’m tired/grumpy/miserable and would rather be almost anywhere else.

Christmas is supposed to draw family/friends together, not create feelings of guilt.

It’s much-too-often about the gifts. No matter what I do, I leave the holidays with big pangs of guilt. Is that what it’s supposed to be? I don’t think so.

Guilt comes in many forms.

• Self-induced Guilt: “I should not have eaten so much” combined with “What do I have to show for the year?”
• Family Guilt: It’s a complex puzzle, the holiday calendar. Cut your kids/in-laws/friends some slack.
• Present Guilt: I work very hard to get things I think people can’t/won’t get for themselves. Sometimes that means they have to try new things. (gasp! the horror!). I am often met with, “this just doesn’t work for me.” When I dial it back to traditional, I get “they don’t need any more of that” or “I don’t use those anymore.” It’s not fun to shop for ideas/nothing; in fact, it’s very stressful. It’s not fun to give (or receive) presents they don’t like or want. It’s not fun to have to return anything you thought was just perfect for them (a risk I willingly take on when I look for an original gift idea). Requests for a Wish List are met with little-to-no action.
• Party Guilt: Every flippin’ group, company, etc. has to have a “Christmas” party. This, more than just about any other aspect of the holiday, pisses me off. For the reasons listed below, I have sworn off almost all holiday parties.

1. Unless this is a church event, not all of the organization’s members are Christian, so the organizers need to at least have the courtesy to call it a Holiday party and include, Jews, Muslims, SBNRs, etc. instead of excluding them. Shocking fact for those with that tunnel vision: Christmas is not the only holiday at that time of year.
2. There are eleven other months of the year. Why must you compete with every other entity by having your party at the same time? Did you know February is the least-utilized party month? It has 3+ perfectly good weekends that don’t conflict with any major holiday or even the fundraiser season.
3. Do not ask for more than one contribution. Guests can be asked to buy a ticket, or bring a dish, or bring a toy for charity, or bring a gift for a game/exchange, but do not ask guests to do more than one of these things. Asking for 3-4 is just rude. We aren’t guests anymore, at that point. We are co-hosts, so put our names on the invitation.

• Game Guilt: I don’t do White Elephants. I’ll play other kinds of gift swap games, but not that one. They are never fun for me, so don’t argue and tell me that I’ll love it. I hate them and spend the whole time with my stomach in knots. I do not take some sick pleasure in making fun of people for whatever stupid thing they happened to open. I do not attend parties where this is part of the entertainment, even when the boss tries to guilt me into thinking it’s mandatory.

Guilt causes stress.

…and stress makes for unhappiness.

… … and being unhappy defeats the point of any celebration.

Takaway: Less is More

In a nutshell: less is more. Less expectations, smaller requests. Don’t hold everyone else to the same ideals to which you subscribe. It may be your favorite time of year. You may adore all the parties and errands and baking and music. But give the rest of us a little breathing room and respect.

loon.

I actually don’t think she’s old by her age. She’s old in her mind. And, she’s bitter. I don’t know if you are really as “young as you feel” but she was definitely as “old” as she acted.

Amazon is officially on the blacklist. They have taken on a role of censorship and worse, are inconsistent about it, equating several entire demographics of people with immoral behavior. Who do they think they are?

Thanks to our friend Steve for pointing this out on facebook over the weekend. Thanks to one of my brides, Maria for these links. As a novelist, she’s pretty peeved.

petition

Amazon Rank re-defined